College Football Dive Bar Special: Week 1
It's the first iteration of our weekly college football watch list, where we'll bring you the best games you probably had no idea were happening between programs you may or may not know exist.
What do you do when you’re traveling to a new city for the first time? If you’re like most people, you fire up your cracked iPhone two days before leaving and start Googling restaurants, combing the first page of hits for menus that have a grilled cheese sandwich option so your asshole kid will have something to shove into his mouth between crying fits. What comes up after you type “Best restaurants Memphis” into your search bar? You’ll find an Eater article highlighting the top gastropubs in the city, a menagerie of Michelin-rated restaurants and famous places that have celebrity portraits hanging dutifully on the walls. You’ll find piece after piece detailing highly rated restaurants that serve as Venus fly traps for tourists, sucking you in for an $18 shishito pepper salad because you saw Food Network named it one of the best in town in 2007.
But sometimes you just want a dive bar with chili cheese tots that a one-eyed local named Two-Face Jerry calls home. What I’m trying to say here is that it’s easy to find the popular places. It’s much harder to dig out the hidden gems, the local favorites, the wacky establishments with creaky floors that for some reason serve both Mexican and Ethiopian fare.
College football is much the same.
We all know Georgia and Clemson is the game to watch this weekend. You don’t need a Google search to tell you that a matchup with playoff implications between two Top 5 programs will be, in fact, fucking awesome. But what about the dive bar games? If this one gets out of hand, or you decide to boycott it until Dabo Swinney honors his promise and quits college football like he said he would, where should you flip the channel?
That’s where we come in.
Below is a list of the most intriguing scenarios and matchups for this Saturday that you likely aren’t clued in on, between programs you may or may not know exist.
It’s time for the inaugural edition of College Football’s Week 1 Dive Bars.
Wake-N-Bake
Army vs. Georgia State (ESPNU, 12 p.m. ET)
Watching Army’s offense is akin to watching a torture scene in one of the 437 Saw movies in slow-motion while banging your head against a conceret slab. The flexbone triple option whittles down the teeth of defenses until they are small stubs that begin to fall out. This might be the deepest Army team in Jeff Monken’s tenure, but the same could be said of Georgia State. No longer a Sun Belt afterthought, the Panthers are loaded up in both trenches and ready to compete for a SBC crown right now. With tons of potential duds on the early opening slate, this game (which is the closest spread of any noon kickoff at GSU -2) might be the most entertaining of them all.
Afternoon Delight
No. 23 Louisiana vs. No. 21 Texas (FOX, 4:30 p.m. ET)
The Ragin’ Cajuns return 20 starters to a team that made the Sun Belt title game last season as they begin this year ranked No. 23 in the preseason AP Top 25. Louisiana will head to Austin to take on Texas, which is in its 939th year of pretending to be *BACK*! Last year, UL went up to Ames and took down a really good Iowa State team for our first eye-opening upset of the season. Can they do it once again and spoil the debut of Steve Sarkisian? The Longhorns return every single starter from last year’s team except the most important—quarterback. They’re insanely talented and there’s no doubt Sark is an upgrade on the headset from potential Bishop Sycamore head coaching candidate Tom Herman, who was fired after he simply refused to beat Maryland. This is a game Texas should win, but get down your fiddle and get down your bow because it’s a Louisiana Saturday N̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ Afternoon!
Amuse-Bouche
Syracuse vs. Ohio (CBS Sports, 7 p.m. ET)
Dino Babers is probably coaching for his job, which means of course he opens the season on the road against a MAC team. HOW DOES IT GET MORE FUN THAN THAT?! *The* Ohio Bobcats are favored to win the MAC East and head coach/MAC legend Frank Solich is an impressive 65-25 at home in his tenure at the other city called Athens. The Orange, on the other hand, are looking to at least stay out of the ACC cellar this year. Babers’ seat is so hot right now it could keep you warm outdoors in Syracuse in January. With his team favored by just one measly point, we could witness a coach trying to save his job in the second quarter of Week 1. It’s the perfect single-bite hors d'œuvre to flip over to for 30 minutes before getting into the main course.
Dive Bar Dinner
UTSA vs. Illinois (Big Ten Network, 7:30 p.m. ET)
I promise you one thing and one thing only: any time we mention Illinois, you WILL be forced to see the shirtless pic of new head coach Bret Bielema.
The Illini are at the top of the Big Ten right now! Not only are they undefeated in B1G play, they also swept the Big 10 Players of the Week awards last week (we won’t mention that they were the only Big 10 team to win, and that said win came against a hilariously snake-bit Nebraska team coached by walking white Oakley shade Scott Frost in Week 0). Illinois is hoping to stave off a pesky UTSA squad that should contend for the C-USA crown this season. The Roadrunners have a sincere All-America candidate at running back in Sincere McCormick (sorry), who joins 10 returning offensive starters on a squad that averaged 415 yards and 28 points per game in 2020. Illinois is riding high after a nice upset win to start the season, but UTSA is hoping to punctuate a deep conference title run with a marquee win against the man you see before you. The Illini will also likely have to compete without starting quarterback Brendan Peters, who injured himself in the win over the Cornhuskers. This game will have a lot of bullshit in it, and some of it will even be good! If Georgia and Clemson get out of hand, you’ll want to flip over to see if Bert the coyote can outwile the pesky Roadrunners. MEEP MEEP, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Bet On It
Southern Miss (+1) vs. South Alabama (ESPN+, 8 p.m. ET)
The Golden Eagles hop over to Mobile to face a new-look Jaguars squad boasting a familiar face on the sideline. USA head coach Kane Wommack played at Southern Miss from 2007-09 and will look to beat his alma mater in his first-ever game as the head man in charge. Southern Miss, on the other hand, trots out first-year head coach Will Hall, who was 56-20 at West Alabama and West Georgia (he loves that direction) before leaving to become an offensive coordinator at the FBS level. Southern Miss boasts an elite offensive line and a breakout star contender in running back Frank Gore Jr. USA, meanwhile, will power its offense behind an All-American wide receiver in Jalen Tolbert and new quarterback Jake Bentley (yes, that Jake Bentley). This is one of the most intriguing games of the weekend to me, and it’ not just because I’m an enormous USM homer who will be buried with a replica Jeff Bower visor on his head. Two new head coaches square off in what will likely be more of a neutral site atmosphere, as Hall has reinvigorated a Southern Miss program that was left in a state or perpetual purgatory the past four seasons. With Hall running his offense behind a dominant rushing attack and a bevy of high-level receiving talent to take the pressure off the run game, the Jaguars’ extremely strong defensive line will get plenty of chances to make itself known early. Southern Miss is a 55.1% favorite according to ESPN’s Football Power Index, yet the line drastically moved in recent days to USA -1. I like the Golden Eagles’ chances returning 18 starters led by a man with actual head coaching experience. On Saturday night, Mobile will be overrun with Southern Miss fans and Gulf Coast expats escaping the aftermath of Hurricane Ida—at the same time. I’m taking Southern Miss +1 and the over on amount of liquor sold in Mob Town.
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