College Football Dive Bar Special: Week 4
This is the perfect week to read this newsletter. There aren’t many matchups this week that pop off the schedule, and if you have other plans like a second family to secretly tend to, Week 4 is the time to do it. Without a solid selection of marquee games, the College Football Dive Bar Special becomes even more important. We won’t let you down. Or we will. Who cares? This newsletter is free.
To the games!
Wake-N-Bake
SMU (3-0) vs. TCU (2-0) [FS1, 12 p.m. ET]
This is the perfect morning game to ease into the day, mostly because these two teams are playing for a skillet. Yes, you read that correctly. This game is called the Battle for the Skillet, and it’s been going on since the Marshall Plan was being drawn up. Both of these teams are undefeated, but it’s almost like they’ve crafted an ersatz perfect record so far. SMU needed an insane Hail Mary to beat Louisiana Tech on the road last week, while the Horned Frogs fought with Cal in an ugly 2-point win before an early bye. Sonny Dykes’ Mustangs average a whopping 43.3 points per game under an explosive system led by quarterback Tanner Mordecai and his 16 touchdown passes through three games. TCU, which usually hangs its cowboy hat on the defensive side of the ball, is nipping at SMU’s heels with nearly 40 points per game offensively. The Frogs haven’t fared nearly as well on D, where they rank an eye-opening ninth in the Big 12. These teams could be massive frauds, or plucky dawgs ready to make noise in their respective conferences. Someone has to win this game to stay undefeated. If it ends up sucking one way or the other, at least you’ll get to watch a bunch of 19-year-olds hold up a fake skillet in a fit of purely rapturous joy that you personally will never be able to attain again .
Early Dinner
UTSA (3-0) vs. Memphis (3-0) [ESPNU, 3:30 p.m. ET]
This game is gonna be legitimately good. Like flip between it and Arkansas-Texas A&M good. We’re bound to witness the classic trope in football form: an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object, etc. UTSA’s defense ranks tenth in the country right now, as the Roadrunners allow a paltry 245 yards per game. Memphis, meanwhile, won’t stop scoring. Calvin Austin III just scored again while you were reading this. After a wonderfully chaotic win over Mississippi State last week, the Tigahs tee off on one of the best teams in Conference USA. No offense to Illinois, but this is the Roadrunners’ first real test of the season. Can they be the team to finally contain a Memphis offense that rushes for an astounding 224 yards per game? We’re gonna find out, and we’re gonna do it on ESPNU while the cameras pan to a guy wearing a blue Three 6 Mafia shirt taking an enormous rip from two Juuls at the same time.
Dessert
UAB (2-1) vs. Tulane (1-2) [ESPN+, 8 p.m. ET]
If you didn’t get enough of a powerful offensive attack facing off against a stingy defense, have some dessert, you hog! Tulane remains one of the most fun teams in the country to watch despite the 1-2 record, while UAB’s defense has played as well as possible when they aren’t going up against a national championship contender. This is an old Conference USA matchup between two teams that could be conference mates again very soon. Both of these squads have played opponents so far who have either been wildly more talented or wildly less talented than them. This is really the first real game they’ve played between ostensible equals. Vegas is riding Tulane at -3.5, but the Blazers’ defense might have answers for the Green Wave similar to what Ole Miss did last Saturday. In the end, water beats fire (you played Pokemon too, loser), but this will be a fantastic test for the strength of both teams. Find an ESPN+ account to hack and put it on your phone while you skim the meager night game schedule. Eat the slop. We know you want it.